What does it mean to be in the moment? I know that is what people keep telling me to do, “Just enjoy the moment Jacob, it will all work out.” While I have started to learn what it means to just enjoy life as it goes by, there is this nagging little voice in the back of my mind that is saying, “Don’t get too comfortable Jacob, everything will change. Try not to get too close to people either they will leave or you will. Don’t enjoy the place you live in too much because you will have to say goodbye one day.” The little voice enjoys the darkest parts of my mind. It has become my constant companion and even a few months ago I would have paid far more attention to that voice than I do now. I am afraid, afraid that the best experiences of my life are behind me, afraid that the people I love will have to leave one day, or that I won’t be able to live my life in a way that I enjoy.
I don’t know if I am the only one who feels this way. If I am, well there always has to be a patient zero. I don’t want to be satisfied with the ordinary. For the majority of my life people have had expectations of me, whether it was the job I would get, the school I would go to, the way that I act, or how I should feel.
I think most of all though I have had to realize that the best days of my life aren’t behind me they are ahead of me. Yes California, Idaho, Oregon, Germany, India, and others were fantastic periods. But I think that saying the best is behind us, now its time to work, to make money, and pursue an American Dream is utter and total crap. Now don’t hear this as me saying I don’t work hard (I do thank you very much), that I don’t care about finances (if you see my student loan debt you’d understand why it is on my mind ALL THE TIME), or the American Dream (I’d rather live in other parts of the world). Instead I have other things I want to pursue: Good friends, new adventures, good beer, and a good God. I am realizing through this mystery of faith that life will have good and bad in it but it is how we view the challenges of life around us. There is an excerpt of a prayer from the Lorica that speaks to me.
“I arise today with God’s strength to pilot me
God’s might to uphold me
God’s wisdom to guide me
God’s eye to look ahead for me
God’s ear to hear me
God’s word to speak for me
God’s hand to defend me
God’s way to look before me
God’s shield to protect me”
It reminds me that God is in every aspect of my life: good and bad. I can hide myself away from the world, not build relationships with the people around me, and be terrified of a future that will never be (you know because of the hiding away part). Or I can love the people around me even if I have to say goodbye, I can embrace the cornfields around me (even if I am certain that there are children of the corn there), enjoy good coffee (because its coffee), and thank God that I am alive enough to feel joy and pain at the same time.